I'm in the toughest phrase of my life

Last weekend I finally found out the really truth about myself. After all these time, I thought I was capable enough and serious enough but it turned out to be the exact opposite. When I asked about what they think about my capability, they said I wasn't decisive, serious enough ( in the sense that I am serious in times I'm not suppose to and vice versa), not daring to take risk and blur in times. Some of these points I agreed but some I don't. When saying about seriousness, I thought I was serious enough when I am handling my work. How can people judge according to what was in the past rather than what I have changed so far? I mean I can feel it myself that I am serious in taking up jobs now. How come you people never noticed it? I am so sad...I donno what to do...I am lost...feeling weak and hopeless now...Is that what others think of me? Am I such a failure in leading people??? Am I??? Friends, I invite you to evaluate me in this blog. Feel free to say what you want though some points might hurt me, but I know that this is for my own good.

Am I such a failure??? Am I that bad that I don't deserve the credit to be appreciated?? I am hurt. Day and night I have been trying very hard to accept these facts and I am still trying to get use to it and try to change. I have already lose hope in my capability of doing things...and all I ask for now is God to gave me strength.

Just now, I asked my mum. She told me that God's way of doing things is special. He wants us to do what we are incapable of, means what I am capable of I might not able to get it. And how sometimes I have to learn about humility. What my mum has said is true. I have too much pride in me and I never listen to others. I am too proud. That's why God want me to be humble. By doing this, only I will learn. Serving Him is really hard. He knows me too well even to my weakness. Now I realised what is this all about...Such a hard fall to make me realise such a huge mistake I have! It is hard to accept but I praise Lord for letting me fall in order to wake me up. If not, I think I will carry this stupid pride of mine until the end of my life. What a stupid person I am!! I am so hopeless!!! Really a sucker in life!! Where all these time I thought I was in the top of the world where everyone should only listen to my orders. Wrongs Mary, WRONG!!! This isn't what God wants from you. He wants you TO SERVE HUMBLY! At the same time, he also wants me to learn how to work with others despite of their age. Though this fall may be hard but at least He wants you to learn this LESSON OF LIFE!!!

Thank you Lord for letting me fall...I pray that You will grand me the strength to stand up again...

P/S: Friends, next time if you all noticed how bad am I in hadling things, please just tell me off without hesitation! I don't mind if you tell me off but I DO MIND if you come and tell me when it is too late.

Also, please pray for me as I am going through this tough phrase of life. Many thanks~~

yeah!! A day of rest!!

Yyyyyyyeeeeeesssssss!!!!! Finally!!! A Saturday nite of rest!!! I've been dreaming for this day to arrive and finally it's here!!!!

Most of my Saturday were either packed with church activities, friends outings, assignments meetings, meetings and club events. Phew~~most of my Saturdays just went past with a swift and Monday just come faster than i thought!!! I've been yearning for a nice Saturday rest at home where I can just stay at home with my family and watch TV. Tonight, my dream finally came true!!

Wow, must really appreciate tonight man!! Who knows when will be my next Saturday rest. After all, next Saturday I'll be having camp, then next Sat I'll be rushing for my studies, then next Sat will be another camp....etc etc etc...Wah!!! Really must appreciate this God gave night man!!

Okla....got to have a nice bath, eat my favorite curry chicken meal and watch Smallville!!! Hopefully that my friends will have a wonderful Saturday night too!!Ciao 1st!!

Fr Bala Orphanage Visiting

erm...1st of all, I would like to clarify that this picture I posted was taken in last year 2006 because the recent photos are not out yet. ehemehem! :P

Last Sunday the CFM decided to have a visiting to the Fatima Home. It has been an annual activity for us since last year. There, we had a wonderful time with the children. We started with action songs which brought the children to a high point, followed by an interesting 'Football' sketch. Then, it was games session. All of us (including the children) were having the time of our lives! There were ball kicking, dice throwing and flour blowing. What I enjoyed was looking at the children with their faces covered with flour!! haha!!! We all looked funny la!!! Our visiting ended up with the song 'Celebrate Jesus Celebrate, Come on and Celebrate'. Honestly, I really had quality time spent with the orphans there. They have made me see how optimistic they are in their life. Hence, I respect them.

I hope to get to visit them more often now or visit them annually!!!

P/S: Though after the visiting I was very tired but I feel that it is worth it!!! Thank You Lord!!!

oh heck! (last week story...now ok d..hehe)

What a week man...what a week!!! I've managed to annoy my friends till the boiling point! Isn't that a GREAT JOB??? Even I myself also cannot believe it! Well, when it came to the point I saw this so-called 'trying to annoy me message' in MSN, I wasn't annoy with my friend at all. Weird isn't it? Someone out there was sooooo annoyed with me and claiming that our friendship is not worth but here am I wondering the reason of my non-annoyance. However, I do felt disturbed by this message. All the time I was trying to ask myself should I be annoy or not. Then, to think properly, from my friend's point of view, there wasn't any mistake for his anger; neither do mine. Both of us were just focusing on different things and thought that our own event are important. When both important things met, conflict would appear. That is why I found no reason to be angry of this friend of mine. Still, if this friend was still angry of me, I also cannot do anything to reduce the anger. So, I decided to be just normal.

In class, there were obvious signs that this friend doesn't even want to know my existence. Oh whatever! I still greeted my friend cheerfully as usual and leave the anger to him to decide on his own. After class, I had my mission impossible to rush for-'Finance Assignment'!!! Whoa!!! It was a moment of happiness and fear. Fear was because I was afraid all the pieces of details won't fit; happy is because in the end with our teamwork, we finally managed to hand up our assignment in time. The feeling of satisfaction was awesome!

Finally, I've decided to thank all my team members who helped me out in this assignment. So, one by one, I thanked them with my whole heart. Here came the time where this friend of mine is in my team. Then, I thought of not saying thank you since this friend has already stated that our friendship doesn't worth. But then, to think again, is it worth that I just blow this friendship away without giving a try to fix this situation? After all, which friendship doesn't face challenges? So, I plucked up the courage (this friend nearly ran away after the class, phew~what a catch!), managed to say a big 'thank you' and a friendly smile. Wow, at that time, I was really free!! The reason? Just purely free from hatred!! Since it was a risk, I did thought it might turn from bad to worst.

But then, once again, the Lord has showed me in many ways, that forgiveness is everything. Sometimes, just a simple smile and a heart full of thanks will turn an awful situation to a nice situation. Funny, how human minds can control their feelings. When you feel angry, you feel angry. If during your state of anger, your enemy just step in with a smile and talk to you nicely, suddenly things seem to be clear! See, now I finally understand how powerful is a smile and a 'thank you' could change any body's day! A smile and a 'Thank You' can make your day shine!!! This is true!! I've tested and experienced it!!!

So, to everyone out there, give each other a warm smile and a big hug or even a heartfelt 'Thank You'!!!!! Thank You everyone!!! muakssss!!!! :)

It has been a day of depress after yesterday night. My mind just kept on thinking of the things that is happening around me. I ended up moody the whole day. At school, some of my frends are still annoyed of me because I didn't helped out in the preparation. Sighs~can't blame them anyway. Then, I had my sleepers spoiled while I was on way my to class. What a day!

I hate the world and the world hates me

What have I done to deserve this? Did I do anything wrong?? How come it seems that everyone in this world is starting to hate me?? CFM, church members, school mates, close friends,..etc... It seems that I'm changing from bad to worse, and I had just did something terribly wrong to them.

What have I done??? I really don't know. For school mates that hate me because I didn't helped out much in the preparation for Culture Night. Ok, I admit, it was my fault. I should have withdraw long time ago if I knew that I won't be with you guys in the most important preparation day. I left you all in the hall and let you guys struggled with all the decoration stuffs. So, I'm sorry. This is truly my fault. I know that no matter how, now you all have a bad image about me. Fine, go on with it, I don't mind because I deserved it anyway. Go ahead if you all want to scold, criticise or whack me. As long as you all can forgive me and accept me back as a friend. But, I have to clarify that I have no regrets of sending 'that sms' to ZX during this afternoon. What I have messaged, I have messaged. I meant every single word I wrote in the sms. My situation at that time was like on a rocking bridge. Which ever way I choose, I will fall drastically. I had to bear commitment to you all, my church and family. Till the end, I cannot find a way to satisfy everyone of them. If anyone is smart and experience enough, please do come and teach me how to do, because I am totally lost now. Choosing either one of them, will hurt the others. Plus, please bear in mind that all the promises I have made was from my very own self and I do know of the consequences. Please don't be mistaken that I haven't thought of what I have said to you all. Therefore, I am willing to accept whatever punishment you guys might think of. Just do it, I'm ok with it.

When it comes to CFM, I was really upset. How can such a lovely youth group that I had once loved dearly had changed? or was it that I am the one changing?? How come nobody dare to come up and tell me??? If you guys think that you all are so smart, then go ahead without me!!! Sometimes I am so pissed off with the way you all do things!! You all only inform those who are closer to you and ignore those who are not so close. I am in the category of both. What's that suppose to be?? That I sometimes can be informed and sometimes no need?? Who do you guys think you are? The only reason that I'm still in the group is because I have once promised 'Someone' (This person is no joke k!) that no matter what is the challenge I may face while serving this group, I will never leave. Just right after I've made this promise, everything starts to become a mess!! I started to hate somebody in the group and my relationship with other team members has started becoming cold. I never talked to them as I used to be anymore. Somethings I shut away from them but they also never tell me the truth sometimes, then how am I suppose to be honest to them all? Then someone in the group tend to talk to me but in actual fact, super bo-song me already. Yea, fine!! Have it your way then! After all, I hate you!!! Soooooooooo hate you!!!!!! Until know I also don't know why am I still faking myself to talk to you. When it comes to things for discussion, my ideas are normally pushed aside and what you guys say is the correct one. But then do you all know that by the end of the meeting, you all will 'unconsciously' stick back to my earlier proposed idea and claim it as you own!!! Wow!!! I am so pissed off right now!! What's the purpose of me serving while my ideas are normally being label as in-appropriate? Now, I really feel that I can't work with you all already. Maybe, it is the time that I'm suppose to quit ( I know that somebody is super happy when he/she knows about it). Since that, I'm no longer usable in the team. Do you all know that I am so heartbroken right now? I'm so sad...so sad...yet too annoyed to tell you all!!!! Please man, I want back my old days of laughter in the team in order for me to carry on my duty. If not, I might...who know...quit? Yea, when the day comes, I will. Don't worry too much. By then you can have all your free way and do everything as your wish.

To sum up everything, I am really disappointed with how not understanding of the ones that know me. I've been together with you guys long enough to know my true self,yet you all never seem to respect me. Why am I being treated like this all the time? Since young, I've been treated by all those around me like that as well. That's why I've never dared to trust my friends totally because I'm afraid that they might hurt my feelings. As usual, I will be the one crying and you all will not border. Friends are friends forever, I love CFM,...will these be true? I really don't know right now. Only God knows. Hopefully, He will have a solution for me.

JESUS CHRIST IS RISEN!!! ALLELUIA!!!

Rejoice!! For our Lord Jesus has risen from the dead!!! Alleluia!!!

On Good Friday, I was in a mood of silent. At the same time I also tried to fast from all my favourite food, drinks and hobbies, like net surfing and watching TV. It was quite a torture for me but I felt it was worth it, because we get to experience how hard it is for others to live without all of these facilities; and to remind me of how lucky I am. Friday started out with many silent meditation, fasting, station of the cross and Good Friday services. All standing and kneeling down almost killed me! However, like I said, it was worth while.

Then on Saturday, I left to MMU round 9:20am for Japanese Culture Night decoration. Sighs~~ I have to admit that I am really not committed enough because I can't be there to help them most of the time. It was Easter Vigil, I had to go to church for this grand occasion. Moreover, I was one of the singers for that night.How could I split myself? While practicing the songs in church I still thought of my friends who were busy working out the decorations in MMU. Yea, it's a hectic job and not everyone can stand it. Especially when they meet members like me...sighs~~ they must felt like tearing me apart. But how?? I've thought so many ways and couldn't find a perfect solution. Is this meant that I'm not suitable to hold any working committee post in MMU and serve only CFM? oohhh!!! I really don't know!! I'm really torn between these two. In the end, I can only pick one. Till now, I still don't know which to choose.

Our singers tonight (Saturday night at Easter Vigil) sang well and the musicians were superb!!! Thanks everyone for making this night a success!!! I will remembered the process of hardship before we achieve this sweet success!!! Thank you, Lord!

Once again. HAPPY EASTER!!!

啊！！！考试完了！！！晔！

哗，好久没在部落里留言了因为最近为了忙考试而没时间上网。真好！！我终于在昨天的四月四号结束了我的考试长跑。虽然只不过是年中考试，但至少我可暂时放下心中大石，过些没考试压力的大学生活。没考试的感觉真棒！！！！

昨晚，我到圣方济教堂去告解。我也终于将挣扎好久的心事一一地说出。心中的结也得到了解放。Praise the Lord!!!! 现在，我会尽量的保持沉默来迎接复活节的到来。希望在这几天，我不会犯下什么大错吧！

说道我这考试长跑，我可真累死了！！征服了一波又一波的考试，有时也难免受到挫折。有时当我在深夜里熬夜时，很想放弃读书！不想读了！！可是想到爸爸妈妈含辛茹苦地让我读大学，便咬紧牙根地拼下去。

在以为可松口气时，MMU又搬来了一大堆的Assignments!!!! 哇！！！好刻薄啊！！！！这边辛苦了，那边又来！待我赶完这些Assignments 之后，年终大考又在向我招手了。天啊！！！

My feeling towards SOME POEPLE!!

Today, I had the most tiring day in MMU. After church round 12:30pm, I'm suppose to help out in MMU for decorations. Since time is short, I rushed to the hawker centre and bought packets of 'zhap fan' for lunch and rushed to Elaine's house. I was using my mother's car. It was quite lucky that I do so because Elaine had many other big decoration things to carry and my mum's car is big enough to carry them all once. Then, we went to JJ to buy chocolate paper for our decoration. Well, I can say that having a car is so fantastic!

In MMU, Elaine, me, Zheng Xian, Jasmine and Michelle each had our own job to do. Me and Elaine were drawing, cutting and pasting the tree trunk while the other 3 were crumpling tissue papers. All of these items are to use for later as materials for our blossom tree. It was such a tiring job!!! We had to squad down most of the time and decorate it! Even when we reached the part of simply pasting up our so-called 'blossoms' (which was actually all the crumpled tissue papers)! Though sitting down, our hands didn't stop moving! All of us were working hard! What I am most disappointed was when some of the committees came in and saw that some of us were taking a short break from out job and claimed that we weren't doing our job! How can they accused us like that? Is just happened that we were taking a break while they came by! Haven't they know that we were having a hard time decorating our partition? Our sweat, groans, pain, worries and difficulties, did they ever know? I even felt that all our efforts won't be appreciated by them! Oh, how can they!!!! I was SO pissed off at that time!!!!

Luckily, I managed to sneak back home to take my 30 mins bath and dinner. My parents were complaining that I'm not spending enough time for my studies. Haven't they understand that University life is not all about study? Life is so boring if I were to be a NERD!! Round 8:30pm, all working committees were to gather in a small lecture hall for our event briefing. Shockingly, I only knew that tomorrow is our event opening ceremony! Oops, my fault, sorry! Yea, finally the boiling point arrived. I wasn't really pleased by the way the leader treated us and also some of their branch leaders. Those branch leaders were also sharing the same kind of burden as them and why are they treating them as though they are their servants that must do all the leader's bid dings? Aren't we all a BIG FAMILY??? If so, why am I not feeling welcomed and accepted by them? How come there isn't a tinge of warmth in my heart? If we ARE a FAMILY, I assumed that at least all our hard work would be appreciated but not always criticizing the working com ms for not doing our job. Selling cultural night tickets are different from selling movie tickets. We can't force people to come and watch a culture which they are not familiar with. Chances of meeting people with this certain kind of interest is low and even there is, those people are already in the committee!!! How are we supposed to sell out that much? Yes, I agree that with our man power we can sell a lot, but have they considered from the buyers' point of view? Many of them are students and some of them are having exams, projects, assignments at this peak period of time. Even if I could find some people who are interested to come for the night, they also can't give me an absolute answer because they are still considering. I still can't imagine why people can force the committee so hard to sell tickets and saying that they are not doing their job. I don't feel this is a way to motivate us. Instead, they are like killing our confidences and spirit. Why man? Don't have to do that! We know our job and we ARE doing it!!! We are trying our best to do our job!!! Can't you guys think from our point of view before coming into a conclusion? Care for us a little and you'll understand!! You said we ARE A BIG FAMILY!!!

Sometimes I feel that it's not easy to become a leader which everyone respects. You may be the brightest student in the class but you cannot portray a leader's quality, is just like putting sheep skin on a lamb. What a good leader must have is the most basic of all-personal relationship and delegation. A good leader will never come into conclusion before they tell somebody off. Besides, good leaders will know when to motivate team members and make them feel their work are being appreciated, not condemning all the way!!!! Moreover, leaders will know good manners!!! When people do work for them, they will say 'thanks!!!' and end up with a sincere smile :) !!! Come on, it's just so simple!!! And then people will start to like you!!! Then, delegation. I don't think I want to further elaborate on this delegation topic because I believe every leader know about it and how to do it. The most important thing is, never pressure the members too much until they can't stand the workload! Yes, becoming a leader is not easy but these basics are a MUST!!!! If not, I find it hard to work along with other members. All it counts is what comes from the inside. If we can do such a grand event but the committees are not united, all of these would be just a say; not a solid legend.

All of us can be leaders, but can we become a great leader??? Is always a question mark in our hearts.