Father's Love Letter

Today, as I was tidying up my cupboard, I found this chord book filled with 'Praise and Worship' songs. It was very updated even though it was printed in 2007. The songs that were included inside were complete!!!

As I was flipping through the book, I found one page about 'Father's love Letter'. I was straightaway stunned on the spot because I once received this letter during my YE Camp. I was only Form 4 at that time. When I got the envelope with the letter in it, I was so touched! After reading through the letter, my heart felt a gush of warmness. It was how God will talk to his children. So, I'm taking this opportunity to share this 'Father's Love Letter' here in my blog. Hopefully, His message and love will touch your hearts!

My Child...

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad,

Almighty God

Crossroads

Everybody faces crossroads every now and then. Same goes to me. At the age of 12, I chose whether to follow my friends to St.David's High School or some other more renown school in Malacca. Then at the age of 16, I wonder whether should I venture into arts or science stream. At the age of 18, I wonder which University should I go and which course should I major in. Finally at this stage, I am at the crossroad of choosing my career path. Our lives are made up of all kinds of choices, each leading to a different turning. Then these turnings will lead to another turnings with different obstacles, that's how life is.

At this stage of finally managed to pull through all the exams, finally I have finished my degree course! Yes, finally! But now, I am facing the dilemma of which career line to pursue. I am an Accounting grad, I own a full accounting cert; but deep in my heart, I know accounting isn't my cup of tea. One of the main reason was the experience I had during my 6 months of training last year. Everyday, I dragged myself back to work. Day and night I was being terrified by the numbers! Any single unbalanced figures gave me shivers and trembles, and I will be horrified and go super stressed out for the whole day trying to find the missing figures! Even at night, I had nightmares of me being unable to balance up my balance sheet! Oh ya, not to forget the Dr and Cr entries, I never got them right. So, my 6 months of torment flew by and by the end of the day, I told myself firmly that an accountant's life isn't what I want.

Now, I have a full Accounting Degree cert. A lot of people has come to tell me that how fortunate I am to own this cert because it is a professional cert. Hell ya I know! But do they know that to get the cert is tough and to practice it is even tougher? An accountant's life is forever bounded in front of the laptop. We wear glasses so that we can see the figures clearer and our fingers are never leaving our calculators, then our brain is always constantly thinking on how to balance up the figures and to check it with the current tax laws and whatsoever! 9-5 is impossible when it comes to peak periods, you will have to work around the clock! Accountants are very tough people. That's the fact of an Accounting life. No life + constant stress = a lot of gray hair!

But here I am, I know my true self. I am a more outgoing person. I enjoy talking to people, smiling at them and to promote stuffs is my strong point. I like to move around and can't be bound in front of the computer for 8 hours! I knew I had the problem of concentrating when I was training, I had to fidget around just to calm myself down. There and then I enjoy dressing up smartly in my formal and go all out to meet people. There! I'm just this type of a person! Too bad I didn't have noticed it a few years earlier so that I could switch to Marketing and Sales. Yes, honestly I really enjoy doing sales and marketing compare to accounting.

Nobody says accounting is bad, but it's the life that I choose to lead. Now I am at the dilemma of choosing a job which I won't 100% like but the pay will constantly increase; or choosing a job which is a whole new field for me but suits my personality well.

So, I went to talk to my supervisor this morning. He said that's the fact of life. Accountants don't have a life, their life revolves around numbers, working till wee hours and it's a very stressful life indeed. If I were to pursue in this line, I have to face these facts, bear with it and do my best. Then I told him I had another option of being a Sales Rep. He said Medical Rep is a good job, its prospects are good as well and its working time is flexible, the only problem will be, I have to travel a lot.

Then he told me that I have to really think of what I like. He said never waste too much time of doing the things which I know I don't like, he said he didn't like accounting as well and preferred a job with more flexible hours. One thing for sure he said was to ask me to pray to God for guidance. Lastly before I leave, he summed up our discussion by saying," I think you've already quite made up your mind on your job, the Rep sounds very good.". I agreed with him, yes, whenever I hear things of going out and it doesn't have to do with numbers, my heart pumps with joy!

He also said, I have to convince my parents and to give myself a try with this new field. So, I've decided. A Sales Rep I shall be but I will still apply for accounting job, just in case nobody wants me! Lolx~

初恋红豆冰

如果有一天，哪个人问我，“嘿，大马有哪部电影是能够代表你们大马华人文化的？”，我一定会回答他们说；“那当然是看‘初恋红豆冰’啦！！”

昨天，我闲着没事做，便约了Michelle到MBO那儿去看戏。本来就很想看‘出来红豆冰’的我，终于可以梦想实现了！

很多朋友都问我为什么这么喜欢看这部电影，我说是因为一来是首部FULLY华人制作的电影，二来也是因为里边有许多扬名海外的本地歌手与演员参与演出！

虽然是很期待，但我也不敢抱着太高的Expectation去看，免得失望嘛。。。

哪知道！！！那部戏一开始，我和我朋友便深深地被吸引住了！！！我的天啊！！！戏里边的画面全都好美啊~我想都没想到，原来马来西亚有那么美丽的风景！！！！里边的角色与Settings全都很熟悉，一草一木完完全全地展现出大马一贯迷人的风景！

里边的阿牛演Botak，‘Botak。。Botak'这样叫着，令我回想起以前小时候讥笑别人的时候！'打架鱼’，令我想起以前回婆婆家的时候，看着表哥们比谁的打架鱼强！哈哈，我就这样地深深地爱上这一部戏~

其实不止是我以上所说的那些，还有很多很多的华人文化涌在一起。当中有华人Kopitiam，炒果条，半熟蛋，槟城的周桥，赌坊。。。还有那些像马六甲的百年老屋。。。我简直没想到，原来我每天生活的点点滴滴与生活环境，原来在戏里面，是那么的Unique！

‘打架鱼’穿的木屐，就像我外婆每次穿的那双，红红的，走起路来‘格啦。。。格啦’叫。。。买万字的那些Aunties很像那些平常我在咖啡店见到的那些Aunties，什么东西都可以拿来买字！坐在窗边的那位老AhPek，就像那些每天都无所事事的老人家，去咖啡店叫一杯Kopi就可以和别的老AhPek讲到一天，要不然就坐在那边不知道在想什么！然后Botak每次`收的那些Kopi杯，就想到只有在传统的咖啡店里才找到的Kopi杯，一杯杯乌黑的咖啡，都是得由有经验的泡咖啡师傅所泡出来的。。。功夫一点都不能少！而Botak画画的房间外，就像马六甲古屋看出去的夜晚，静静的。。。听到Cicak的声音。然后在清晨听到的马来人念经的声音。。。傍晚听到卖Indian Roti Uncle 摩多车的声音。。。还有那粽油园。。。令我想起以前陪爸爸去探亲的时候经过的地方。。。一切从前美好的回忆，又被恢复了起来~

戏中有些爱情的故事，虽然很伤心，不过整体来说，是不错了！！！我最喜欢就是到了尾声的时候，有张栋梁和戴佩妮的客串！！！我和Michelle都兴奋的叫了起来！！！看着这部片子，我心里觉得无比的自豪！因为这证明了，我们本地华人是可以拍出好看的电影的！

阿牛！加油！！！期望你下一部的创作！！！

Torn between two...soon to be into pieces if I don't take action!

Sighs...after so many months since I've felt peace within myself. Now I'm being thrown with another trial to face. It's always got to do with my personality and faith! I'm torn between what I want and what God really wants me to have/do!!!

OK, here's the case. Normally, what I want, isn't what God wants! So whenever I think that I am doing the right thing (according to my own interpretation), it will end up tragically... Few months back when I was in my internship, I fully experienced God's grace in me. Maybe at that time of hardships, only I fully realize how awesome God is and I really fully trusted Him! So, my 6 months flew by with many bitter sweet moments!

Now, being back to my Uni life, I'm being shut back to my comfort zone. I no longer see God as how I used to see Him last time. Last time, every lunch break I will spring to the chapel to spend some quality time with God, chat with Him (more like I poured out my sorrows and He replied in His way...) and find time to evaluate on my daily life, my personality and how am I treating the people around me. As for now, I'm very lazy. I wake up just to have enough time to get ready for classes, say a very brief prayer in my car/ while driving to school. Lunch break to the chapel seemed like a million years ago story. Nowadays, I hardly even do my daily bible reflections! All my prayers are just bits of pieces being compile up together, mostly just being mumbled through because I will be yawning my way and my mind is blur... Deep in my heart, I know I'm wrong and somethings will soon to pop out to alert me, just that I didn't know it will happen so fast!

Reality strikes! I am now facing back all the negative attitudes I used to have before I took a month break from my committee! You can never imagine how terrible my attitude was before that, and I thought I've get rid of that part of mine already! Unfortunately, it doesn't fade away so easily. It must be kept away with strong prayers, reflections and tonnes of MSN with God!

Today I had the worst meeting I had with my fellow committees. I'm saying this in terms of my own personality... I was seriously struggling not to shout out at others and to force them to take in all of my opinions! At some point I even wanted to leave! It's the evil side of me trying to be set free! The only thing I was holding on was keep on trying to keep out of the things they were discussing. My mind was having this inter-conflict war inside of me! Then, when I heard that some of my friends get to join in some stuffs which I wasn't being asked, I was actually hurt/ jealous/ furious! These kind of feelings weren't supposed to come out from my mind and yet it did! I was panicked when I actually acknowledge how I felt just now! These feelings didn't only started in the meeting but it started since a few weeks back! I was constantly fighting the urge to snap at people who simply didn't know how to express their opinions and I always had this thinking that maybe I'm just an invincible person who doesn't deserve people's attention! My existence is nothing!

Seriously...there are more to say but these warnings are just the start....I don't know how long will it take to fight back....I felt like the character in 'Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde'!!!! I'm so afraid that I maybe going nuts!!!! I have to find back my inner peace. If not, I don't think I can even survive the sightliest challenge that occurs in my life.

Now, I felt ashamed to go back to God because of my doubts towards Him (it only happened recently, because I had this new theory about life-after-death, which I thought of out of the blue!). I felt like I don't deserve to be loved by Him anymore....I felt really useless, hopeless and I am really nothing! The point is, I really don't have the guts to face Him....Do you think He will actually forgive me and allowing me back? I am really a sucker....

Singapore Trip (100310)-Day 1

It was 10th of March, a Wednesday morning. I woke up at 5.45am. My bus to Singapore was scheduled at 7.30am, but my friend Daryl was going to pick me up to Yee Wern's house by 6.30am. So we all gathered at Melaka Sentral at 7.15am sharp. And our 707 bus departed on the dot! Our journey begins!!!!

Half way towards our destination, me and Daryl found out that Fr Bala was actually in the same bus as us! Haha!!!! I had it in my guts that this trip was going to be a perfect trip!

We arrived in JB around 11.30am. Here are the roads...hehe....it was my first time being there!

This was near the Singapore border.

We had some problems at the customs because one of our bus passengers left his belongings in the bus without going through the custom checks. So the officers took hold of our bus driver's passport and we were stuck there for 20 mins.

We arrived at the 707 bus terminal at QueenSt. It was pouring when we arrived. Despite of being how near our hostel is situated, we had no choice but to take a taxi there. Our hostel is with the name of 'Waterloo Hostel', it's a Catholic Welfare Building. It was being surrounded by 3 churches! We took a room with 2 single beds using a common bathroom. Its facilities were very impressing! Everything is so clean and functioning! Unlike the hostels in Malaysia which is...you know...not that good.... Being so satisfied with our accommodation for the next few days, we head off with our Singapore Trip! Off we go, me, Daryl, Rachel, Yee Wern and Adrian!

The statue along the roadside. In Bugis Junction

Our first stop was the Bugis. On our way there, we took a few pictures on the way. Singapore pedestrian side is really good! All the cars actually STOP to let us pass even though the lights were red! We weren't that used to it first because that not how things work in our country...haha!!! Anyway, Bugis was a bit like PJ Street in KL. The things that they sold were mostly 'LALAs' style, but I've found some good food there. Example, the thick patty burger which you can get at SGD2.40 and the freshly punched KIWI juice at SGD1.00! I mean, if I were to earn SGD, these food actually worth more than the costs! Plus, it tasted yummy!

Then we proceeded towards Bugis Junction where you can find the famous 'Chewy Junior'. It wasn't as yummy as my friends has described because it was really CHEWY...as in you might have cream bursting out from your doughnut while all you can do is chew all the way until you finished the whole thing! I was quite amazed at how I actually managed to finished it! haha!!! Anyway, I've found another nice thing! Which is 'Old Chang Kee'!!! I really loved their hot curry puffs with really nice stuffing inside! And the best part was I could find them everywhere!!!

Chewy Junior with their doughnuts

Me with my Lemon flavour...not knowing the disaster that followed behind...haha

After Bugis, we head on to the Merlion to take some nice pictures. It was just normal. Being able to escape the unbearably hot weather of Malacca, we were really glad when the breeze the blown was a very cooling one. On our way, we passed by Fullerton Hotel which Adrian claimed was the most expensive hotel in Singapore. At the Merlion we managed to take many pictures with all kinds of pose! Name it, from angle framing to jump shots! We took it all!!!! And we did plan to do in for the rest of the trip! haha!!!!

After Merlion, we walked towards the 'Eye of Singapore', where we walked on the F1 track while going. Unfortunately the fees to be in the 'Eye of Singapore' was very expensive, so we had to head back. Our dinner was decided to be in Geylang. A place where we could find really nice and cheap food!

On our way there, I had this MIA (Missing in Action) stun! It was after office hours when we were at the MRT. It was very packed with many people. So Adrian's instruction to us were try to get into the MRT and go down at CityHall Station. We were at Douby Ghout at that time. As the MRT arrived, I managed to squeezed my way through while Rachel and Daryl were in another compartment leaving Adrian and Yee Wern outside not being able to get in. So I was alone in the train! I stared at the stations on the ceiling and found out that were NO City Hall stops at all! I was panicked but managed to maintain my cool... Luckily my Digi line auto roamed when I entered into Singapore, so I had connections to call people. Too bad, I didn't know what was the Malaysia international number, so I was stuck. Just when I wanted to call my Singaporean friends for aid, Adrian called me. He said he mistaken the train and asked me to get down at the next station, get on the opposite train and then only get down to City Hall. So I get down at Braddells( or something like that...). I thought that MRT in Singapore is like the LRT in Malaysia, where if you want to get to the opposite train, you have to go out the station and get in from the next escalator to get to the other side. So I did that and found out I was standing beside a bus stop without any signs of MRT entrance! I was obviously scared because I was lost!!!! Luckily, I trusted with my instincts (I think God was directing) and went back to the MRT entrance which I just exited. I asked one of the passerby for the directions and she was kind enough to guide me there. When I was there, I asked another young girl to confirm it again which was...THANK GOD, it was!!! Finally when I reached City Hall, I saw Rachel and Daryl stretching their necks to peek into the MRT which I just arrived. Without telling them, I managed to make them jump from behind!!! They were hugging me after my MIA stun!!!! Adrian was apologizing for giving me the wrong directions all the way! (In my heart was like, serves you right! You nearly caused me a heart attack in the MRT!)

Anyway, we continued our way towards Geylang...half way through Rachel couldn't join us because she had a dinner date with her bf...so that left the 4 of us.

The 'Tian Ji' with porridge!

Despite of being named as the red-light district of Singapore, I found Geylang not as scary as I thought. Everyone was like doing their own stuffs, they didn't give a damp with what we were doing. So as long as you don't mess with them, they will never come to you!

Adrian brought us to this Chinese shop to taste their specialty 'cooked farm frog' aka 'tian ji' served with porridge! It was my first time tasting it and it tasted a bit like chicken but a bit bonny. As for their porridge, it was very fine and good!!!! Daryl couldn't accept the fact to eat 'frogs' so we ordered her another 'gong bao chicken cubes' for her. I had to admit, it tasted good!

Next, we had to find for their famous 'Soya drink with yao char guai'! After trials of phone calls and God knows how long we had walk (it was in Lrg 27A), we finally saw their plat! Well, it was normal if I were to compare it with the 'yao char guai' in Malacca. Their Soya Drink was thick. If being put in the way just to try, it wasn't bad! Their 'yao char guai' was very long! haha!!!! We actually took away for Rachel but we ended up bringing her the 'yao char guai' only because we totally forgotten about her drink! Argh!!! And it cost us SGD2.40!!!! Then, we took a taxi back to Bugis because we were tired from walking. Oh ya, I left my pink water bottle in the taxi too!

The Soya drink with 'Yao Char Guai'!!!!

So, from Bugis, Adrian escorted us back to our Hostel and directing us the way to get back to the MRT station! So there you go! Our first day in Singapore! We ended our day with a satisfied stomach, sore feet and a tired back...I head straight to my bed after my hot shower!!!!

Sakura Biyori

Last week, despite of studying for my midterm exams, I managed to find a place where I can actually find peace among the hustles and bustles of my preparations. It was this road to my Uni. I have to pass by it everyday whenever I need to go for classes. As I drove pass, I was stunned by the beauty of the view right in front of me.
Pink flower petals were gracefully flowing down from every directions as though I was in those 'Sakura flowers' scene which could only happen in Anime/Japan! There were two of these trees that has turned into full pink!!! It was fully bloomed with pink flowers! Then, whenever the wind blows, pink petals will come flying down. As I drove through, my scene was like passing through a stretch of Sakura Trees with Sakura petals come raining down!
Everyday during last week whenever I passed by this road, I will slow down my speed and take a good look at both trees. Then I promised myself that after my midterm, I will take a picture of it and share it in my blog! Thank God I did it!!! I seriously don't want to miss out such a wonderful thing!

Imagine what a beautiful scene it would be if all the trees there were to bloom! The road will be full of pink flowers and all the passersby and drivers like me will be drawn in completely into a realm of raining pink petals.

Oh how I wished that this scene shall remain forever...the trees are now both back to its normal condition. Full of lush green leaves, waiting for their time to be fully bloomed with flowers again!

Sighs...

I am very worried about my midterm now. There's a major event this Saturday night and I'm in charge of its performances. Plus, I have to take part in some of the programs as well!

Oh God...I am really stressed out right now as I am typing this passage. I really don't know that should I do! I didn't foresee these things piling up when I signed up for it! I really don't!!!! So many things came up so last minute!!!! Even my lecturers are the same! They gave us our midterm notice and coverage today itself and the exam is 1 week away!!!! Do they think that everyone is that smart!!!!

I'm just an average student trying to survive my final semester. Now with this event on the weekend, I don't even have time to really sit down and study! Here my mum is pestering me to study and there my team mates are pressuring to add more practices!!!! I have been stretched to my limit already!!!!! I cannot let both sides down!!!! What can I do???? Both sides I can't just merely PASSED~ No way!!!!! What can I do now????

Both things are so rushing....so packed.....so messy and so last minute!!!!!! It's like these both aren't meant to be matched side by side! All pieces are not properly fit into place....what can I do???? My team mates do sense it, but we are just too ignorant to face it! There and then we have miscommunication! Everyone isn't happy of everyone...there isn't any team spirit....All of us are tired with our daily struggles and this adds up to our burden.

Sighs...what can I and We do Lord???? I, for my side has so many things to study up at such a limited time. We on the other hand, have also so little time to make things a success...can we please everyone? No... Can we be committed and our heart beat as one? Not really... Are we communicating? Not really too.... Then who is to blame? Our own selfishness and ignorance!

Surely You would know Lord. I'm at the edge of giving up! This time, I really cannot handle everything on my own. I need to share some with You. Help me Oh Lord....I'm really tired, stressed and angry!

My sad sad CNY...

CNY this year means no chance to enjoy my favourite food...because I had an asthma attack almost one week ago. I went to the General Hospital for nebulyzer and then she gave me steroids, cough syrup and flu pills to eat. The steroids were the most important medicine of all, because I had to take 6 pills for 5 days! The whole process was agonizing because each medicine has a different consuming time and my lips were cracking due to the medicine!

My agonizing steroids med came to an end on the eve of CNY! I thought that it was the end of my medication period, but it was just the start for another....THE SIDE EFFECTS! 5 days and 30 steroid pills were starting to show symtomps in my body. At first, I thought because I was consuming so much water that I felt like vomiting and my stomach felt weird. On the 2nd day of CNY before lunch, I throw out all of ym breakfast. That's when I realized that my another nightmare has just started...

After throwing out everything that's in my stomach, I felt weak, no energy, no appetite and my head was swirling! My granny and dad bought me to the doctor nearby and he told me these are the side effects of the steroids I consumed for the past few days! Due to this, my stomach was bloating, I've lost all of my appetite to eat and drink not forgetting to mention that I can't take cold drinks and fruit juices!!!! I CAN'T EAT FOR CNY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my medication num2 is....don't over eat for the next 24 hours....damn......there goes my CNY....stomach bloating, uneasy stomach, etc etc....crap crap crap!!!!!

Life is meaningless when you don't have the health to enjoy it!!!

You know what's sad about love?

Recently, I have a few friends that went through a bad break up and some is having a turmoil in their relationship. After all, love isn't always sweet, there is the sour part as well. So to my friends who are feeling this way, please listen to this.

I know it’s when you happen to know that there’s just no hope for you being together, yet you still pray to make it work. It’s when your mind says let go, but your heart says hold on. And most of all, it’s when no matter how you try to forget him, you just can’t. Because of the fact that you still love him, and you just don’t know why.

Try loving someone you’re loved before and you will realize that it will lead to the same thing that happened before. But why try loving someone who doesn’t love you back? It’s either you see yourself giving up or dying daily. Love is like giving someone a gun, having them point it at your heart. And trusting them to never pull the trigger. But when they do, can you still trust them? I don’t know why we all hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have.

Falling in love is never a decision – always by chance.
Staying in love is never a chance – always by choice.
Falling out of love is never a choice – always a decision.
Attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice.
So listen, fate brings both of you together, but it’s still up to both of you to make it happen. We may meet someone by chance, but loving and staying with that someone is still a choice. And when one made a decision to let go, why do we still want to cling on?

One grows distant from another not because of indifference but because of fear. There’s the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer. A recognition of the tendency to fall deeply and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. Sometime, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.

Time can heal wounds, but it can never get back what we once had and lost. Time can’t tell when or how we would move on after all was said and done. Because God gave us time but we never valued this gift he had given us. So we must learn to treasure the ones you choose to love now. Because when they go, there won’t be time to have them back.

In my life, I have done every way of fighting. Heard every painful truth. Been in every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feeling. I thought going thru it all will then make me realize that I have to stop the fight at least to save a little for myself. But you know what’s funny? Its when I seem to be so much tired of it all, but still I can’t just quit no matter how hard it is. And I have to continue hoping that one day, I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”.

Time may take us away.
Space may keep us apart.
Rumors and hurts may break us down.
Yet no matter where life leads us.
I’ll always be here and I’ll never stop caring.

***This is a link shared by my friend in Facebook. I feel that it is very true and meaningful. So I posted here in my blog to remind myself of it!

The 'emo-ness' of my life

I'm high on caffeine tonight because I drank 1 and a 3/4 cups of coffee before 12am! My sis couldn't drink much coffee so I had to finished it for her....too bad...

Anyway, as I was still high on caffeine, I read this book I just bought written by Cecilia Ahern called 'Where Rainbows End'. It was a terrific book I should say! Though it took me quite a long time finish reading it but its ending was sweet and nice.

As I was reading this book, I tuned into MyFm and HitzFm to fill up the dreading silence in the house. You know, at wee hours, these radio stations like to play very sentimental songs that can drive all our emotions up the wall. Suddenly, I was very emo...really emo in fact!

This book I was reading was talking bout this 2 childhood friends who were initially meant to be together but had to go through SO MANY obstacles to be together only when they both reached their fifties!!! Well, my heart was like going through a roller-coaster ride while reading this book. This moment it seemed that they both were finally going back together, 1 of them got married, then when 1 of them got divorced the other got married, then when they want to get together, their loved ones passed away, then here's this job losing issue that sets them apart again, then this again....and there again.....phew~ this book makes me realized that life is TOUGH!!!! You are never going to get it easy.

True enough, with the accompaniment of this 'emo music' behind me, I really put myself fully into the characters and feel how they felt at that moment. There was this part when Rosie Dunne (the main character) has thought that everything went well with her childhood friend Alex (another main character), fate somehow meddled in. Which takes me back to some of my love miseries where I had to endure for a few months last year. Why God ever invented LOVE at the first place???? Love HURTS! Who would even bother to fall in love when the ending is so HURTFUL??? It took me back to those months where I woke up with a shadow over my head and clouds raining down sometimes. Every morning, I dreaded to wake up from my bed fearing that I'm gonna drag through another day of horror and misery. Throughout the day, I will think how stupid I was to wait for that guy which was NEVER ever mine and my poor friends had to listened to my stories again and again and giving me the same advises again and again! How I must bored them in the past! Then, with all of these accumulated anger and sadness, I threw it out to those innocent people which doesn't deserved it (including the guy which is now living happily ever after with his gf)! Sighs~ I must have been such a bore back then. Slowly, after endless tears and long hours staying/ staring inside the St. Peters' Chapel (I was working, so I spent MOST of my lunch break in the chapel meditating upon my mess), I've finally come to the sense that one has to surrender to fate/ God's plans. Often I've questioned God 'why on earth did You let this happen when You know this will NEVER lead to something!'. Then, sometimes I will hear this voice or suddenly when I flipped open my bible something will popped out saying 'My ways are not your ways'...Yea, I've never knew His ways. But one thing is for sure, now I feel better without waking up everyday with a shadow clouding over my head and spend my whole day mourning for my mistakes. Life to me everyday is like a battle for me. A battle of life! Whether to live it fully or miserably. Just now this song popped out from MyFm '你那么爱他，为什么不把他留下？为什么不说心里话，你深爱他，这是每个人都知道啊~！！' Oh my, when I heard of that song all kinds of emotions poured into my mind! My friend used to sing this song to clear up my thoughts...yea...this song was the song of my misery. Coming to know it's now over, and I think back, how ironic it seems. Things will never be the same with us anymore. No matter how good we both might be to each other, even friends or just normal acquaintance, we will just be true strangers to each other from now on. How can one fixed a broken cup without noticing its chipped offs???? Never ever will I look at him and laugh with him as the same few years back....everything has changed for the better of the both of us and I'm actually glad bout it. At least I realized that I've wasted enough time waiting for him and now I should move on (which I am now) and hopefully one fine day I might bump into some one better or the One that's meant for me!

Then, there's this another chapter that mentioned about Rosie losing her dad...then her mum eventually (both died of old age). I actually reflected it upon my parents who are not really YOUNG now (they are near sixties now). I read on how one day her mum suddenly found out that her husband has moved on without waiting for her and how she and her family grieved about it. Picturing in my head, I can imagine it happening on me. What if one fine day, when I'm not ready at all, my dad leaves me and my family! Who's going to earn money and feed the family? My dad isn't young and who knows God wants to take him back one day without giving us prior notice??? I'm not keen to work right now, not when I'm half way towards becoming an accountant pro which I have to 'sprinkle' their money to get it till the final stage! Imagine that I'm jobless, with my not-very-young mother who's earning from hand to mouth, with 2 siblings to take care of. Am I ready for that??? What about the grieving and mourning that I have to go through??????

Another part of the story was when Rosie's mum died....why has God allowed DEATH????? Again, love is involved and when our loved ones are gone, tears are shed, hearts are shattered and dreams/ hopes are destroyed. My mum doesn't have a very strong body. She's constantly down with all kinds of minor sickness and my granny (even though how harsh she may seem) is true, she's a poor lady working her ass out in a secretarial firm just to earn enough money for me and my siblings to spend....and here we are, a bunch of ungrateful children! Sometimes, I do blame them for getting married so late! If they were to get married like a few years earlier, then by the time they are retired, at least I still left a year more towards becoming a pro and I might be able to earn enough money to cover the family's expenses! Imagine that one day, my mum actually passed away....damn, that will be the saddest moment of my life! Believe it or not, I love my mum from the bottom of my heart! Despite of being the black sheep of the family, I still love her! When my granny went for operation and was having a very irritating time, I actually humbled myself to help out in the chores! (Look, I HATE CHORES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I used to tell myself that I'd rather die than to drive myself crazy with chores, which eventually I did it with much tantrums but at least I did it out of willingness and Love) My mum has always been the happy go lucky person that loves my family. Though I don't agree to some of her ways in teaching us, but I have to admit that she's one kind of a person! Sighs~ will they be able to wait for me to become a pro, and then wait for a few more years to earn enough DIGITS to give them a better life???? Like it or not, I'm the eldest in my family and I've always felt the burden to take care of my family ever since I am in Secondary School. Mum and dad, can you both wait for me???? Don't go too soon can or not???? God, if you have a internet access up there, can you see the worry that's in my mind right now????? And also the pain and sadness that's in my heart every time I noticed that my parents are getting older day by day and my time to be with them are limited by years?????? Please, I'm tearing while writing this part.....please don't take them away from me when I'm not ready to support my family.......

There and then is my granny....she's really irritating from my opinion maybe because from young I was constantly reminded of her unreasonableness and crude comments. As these things accumulates, now at my age, I have this auto trained reflective system that activates whenever she starts to say things which irritates me or the people I cared! And of course, we've been through ENDLESS rows! The most recently one just ended a few hours ago... She's already 83, you may say that I'm being such a 'Si-Tanggang' (which I admit) but that's because I'm really sick of her comments! Being old makes her thinks that she's beyond us all!!!! Yes yes....so she is and yes, she has the right....but using these 'privileges' against me are really getting on my nerves! The usual chain is always, she comments on how 'poor' my mum performs lately due to her age (she always saying how well she would have done at HER AGE ONCE) then I will tell her off saying 'don't say my mum like that can or not! It hurts even though she doesn't say it out!'. Then she will go through all of these 'HOW OLD ARE YOU TO TALK TO AN OLD WOMAN LIKE ME!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL GRANDCHILD!!!! I'M GONNA DIE SOON!!!! I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I THINK MY TIME IS NEAR AND WHEN I DIE, I WON'T BE HERE TO NAG/ SCOLD YOU ALL!!!!! BLA BLA BLA.....' Seriously, now I can even recite/ predict her next line whenver we start a row. At night, she will be sleepless all thanks to me and she will begin her 'show' to 'SHOW' me that she's going to sleep outside and suddenly waking and staring at me with one kind of a look. Do you know that when I was young (donno how old), she actually woke me up the night after the row and tell me 'Mary, I'm going to kill myself and I just want to tell you that I'll forgive you even though you disrespected me!' Then I went to wake my parents up she will begin her whole 'show' by trying to kill herself with a scissors, screaming and shouting saying 'Let me die! I'm tired of this family'!!! Imagine that, at such a young age I was exposed to such things, do you think I won't have this 'auto-trained reflective system' when I reach the age of 23???? My siblings say that I am cold-hearted and double faced. I agree with them, but have they ever seen such things in the middle of the night at such an age????? Ok, so maybe I was rebellious since young and I couldn't shut my mouth tight whenever I see things getting out of hand and I thought that maybe with my 'wise' work I might solve them, but things get backfired.... Until now, I'm the only one who's dared enough to answer her and won't even feel a thing after a row with her and also witnessing one of her 'shows'. A few night ago, I was so lost after another row with her. I sat in front of my altar at this hour, staring at the picture of Jesus and once again bridged my connection with Him.

I told Him,
"Jesus, I'm in another row with my granny AGAIN! I guess You are tired hearing about it already rite? Sighs~ why do I always lose my temper and blow things up and hurt everyone else??? When all I wanted to do was to tell her to stop hurting my mum's feelings! Then I changed the candles without telling her and when I did, she scolded the hell out of me and I was furious!!!! Then my brother sarcastically said that I was being the 'black one' that shed tears for outsiders instead of ours (hello, if one of your friend died in an accident would you not even feel a thing????). God, I was just trying to protect my mum! She's fragile enough to be hurt and now you want her (granny) to repeat her problems in front of me (and her) when she's about the get some sleep????? God, what would you have done at such situation????? Tell me!!!! Tell me!!!!! Often I followed my heart (+ some emotions) and this is how it end!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know why have I turned into such a person! All the things that happened way back then. It didn't took me a night to have this negative feeling towards her and there IS some reasons behind this 'reflective system' and You know some part of it wasn't my fault!!!!! TELL ME HOW AND WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LOST OK!!!!!!!!! LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED TO SHOW LOVE BUT THIS IS ALWAYS WHAT I GET!!!!!!!!!!! SO TELL ME HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (At this point, I was crying...for the 1st time because of this...in front my my altar with a bible on my lap)

God replied (through a bible daily reading passage which I found from SHALOM),
" NEW WINE, NEW SKIN" and 'OBEDIENCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE'!

I was astonished...these words appearing from the bible was like words that He would say if He was actually in front of me! Ok, so He was there...really truly listening to my cries. But, I really didn't grasp the REAL meaning that He wants me to know. I couldn't really absorb at that moment. All I know was 'New'...ok something NEW!! So this time I have to use a NEW approach with a whole NEW attitude????? Then this 'obedience', which part is He referring to?????

It has been days now that I am pondering upon these words and I hope that I will understand it slowly and practically....

My granny has fallen sick now, she's old....despite of all of these, I know that deep in my heart I still cared and loved her. It's just that I am too chicken to show it to her because I am afraid of my heart being scarred again and maybe I scarred hers which eventually scarred mine. Hurting some one you love really reaps your soul out of you. I've been praying really hard to God these few days to ask for guidance. And guess what, I think that this is a new CHALLENGE for me. To be reconcile with my granny has always been the GREATEST CHALLENGE I've ever faced in my life (next comes the relationship mess I mentioned earlier on) and I always ran away from it. I am guessing (just guessing) that God wants me to really FACE IT this time. Stop running away from it and really face it, solve it once and for all! He knows that this is what I've always wanted but in the past I have never asked Him for help and this time after all the shouting of HELP for Him, I think He knows that I'm really desperate. So, the thing now is...as for enough Courage from Him and Guidance to help me with this path of healing and reconciling. This time I have to face it from a whole NEW angle with a whole NEW attitude (I'm planning to ask Jesus to be with me all the way), and sure enough to stay Obedient with His instructions (When I was in my healing process for my broken heart, I followed His instructions and was miraculously healed in many ways!). So far things has just started....I hope I won't blow things up again....this time I am constantly logging into the private chat-room between 'Me and God' every night, not forgetting my bible! Every night, I will stare at my altar, picturing myself talking to Him and update Him about my daily doings and feelings, sometimes I asked Him for help and funny enough, the daily readings somehow replied for Him!

I guess when you really let God handle the things in your life and you willingly surrender everything to Him, he will really take good care of it! Or more like what my friend will say 'Don't worry! I will SETTLE FOR YOU one!!!!! XD

Here, I stop writing (typing) as my caffeine is starting to worn off. I'm glad to actually blog and please don't think that I'm staying with a psychopathic family because I believe that 家家有本难念的经...

What is happening to my country?

I was shocked by the news that 3 churches in Malaysia has been attacked...y? Simply because of the 'Allah' term issue.

Frankly speaking, I have no idea what is the fuss about because I simply don't trust the newspapers nowadays not to mention that every morning when I scanned through it, it only gives me sad news. The newspaper I read wasn't the same ten years back.

3 churches being attacked! Can you believe that???? Just when I thought we Christians have always lay low in everything that we do, keep ourselves away from these controversies, yet they just won't let us have a peace of mind!

What have we done wrong to deserve this??? When I was a student, my teachers used to teach us, 'respect each religion', 'stay united as one', 'love your country as it has given you many opportunities', etc etc...and the best part was, I believed it 100%!!!

Now, all are just jokes! What I've learned from my teacher were plain rubbish!!! People don't have to respect each others religions, whenever they feel that they are being 'threatened' (I need a GOOD definition for that!), they can do whatever they want. For example, they aren't please that the High Court has approved the word 'Allah' to be use in 'The Herald', they can just go to the streets, carrying banners and say 'Don't challenge us!!'. Then, if things doesn't work out, they burn down your church!!! The church has nothing to do with all of these controversies! I wonder if we could have even done that when the movie 'Da Vincci Code' and 'Angels and Demons' were shown! Plus, there were TONNES of books trying to say that 'Jesus was a gay', 'He was married to a woman', 'The gospels are all false', and that God doesn't even existed! Do they see us people trying to burn down their houses and shown any violence??? ( Well, the only thing I know was the The Vatican banned the crew to shoot their movie in Italy that's all!)

So, what 'Unity'??? What justice and equality in religion??? All of these are just words not being realized...

What can I do now except to pray for peace???