I'm high on caffeine tonight because I drank 1 and a 3/4 cups of coffee before 12am! My sis couldn't drink much coffee so I had to finished it for her....too bad...
Anyway, as I was still high on caffeine, I read this book I just bought written by Cecilia Ahern called 'Where Rainbows End'. It was a terrific book I should say! Though it took me quite a long time finish reading it but its ending was sweet and nice.
As I was reading this book, I tuned into MyFm and HitzFm to fill up the dreading silence in the house. You know, at wee hours, these radio stations like to play very sentimental songs that can drive all our emotions up the wall. Suddenly, I was very emo...really emo in fact!
This book I was reading was talking bout this 2 childhood friends who were initially meant to be together but had to go through SO MANY obstacles to be together only when they both reached their fifties!!! Well, my heart was like going through a roller-coaster ride while reading this book. This moment it seemed that they both were finally going back together, 1 of them got married, then when 1 of them got divorced the other got married, then when they want to get together, their loved ones passed away, then here's this job losing issue that sets them apart again, then this again....and there again.....phew~ this book makes me realized that life is TOUGH!!!! You are never going to get it easy.
True enough, with the accompaniment of this 'emo music' behind me, I really put myself fully into the characters and feel how they felt at that moment. There was this part when Rosie Dunne (the main character) has thought that everything went well with her childhood friend Alex (another main character), fate somehow meddled in. Which takes me back to some of my love miseries where I had to endure for a few months last year. Why God ever invented LOVE at the first place???? Love HURTS! Who would even bother to fall in love when the ending is so HURTFUL??? It took me back to those months where I woke up with a shadow over my head and clouds raining down sometimes. Every morning, I dreaded to wake up from my bed fearing that I'm gonna drag through another day of horror and misery. Throughout the day, I will think how stupid I was to wait for that guy which was NEVER ever mine and my poor friends had to listened to my stories again and again and giving me the same advises again and again! How I must bored them in the past! Then, with all of these accumulated anger and sadness, I threw it out to those innocent people which doesn't deserved it (including the guy which is now living happily ever after with his gf)! Sighs~ I must have been such a bore back then. Slowly, after endless tears and long hours staying/ staring inside the St. Peters' Chapel (I was working, so I spent MOST of my lunch break in the chapel meditating upon my mess), I've finally come to the sense that one has to surrender to fate/ God's plans. Often I've questioned God 'why on earth did You let this happen when You know this will NEVER lead to something!'. Then, sometimes I will hear this voice or suddenly when I flipped open my bible something will popped out saying 'My ways are not your ways'...Yea, I've never knew His ways. But one thing is for sure, now I feel better without waking up everyday with a shadow clouding over my head and spend my whole day mourning for my mistakes. Life to me everyday is like a battle for me. A battle of life! Whether to live it fully or miserably. Just now this song popped out from MyFm '你那么爱他，为什么不把他留下？为什么不说心里话，你深爱他，这是每个人都知道啊~！！' Oh my, when I heard of that song all kinds of emotions poured into my mind! My friend used to sing this song to clear up my thoughts...yea...this song was the song of my misery. Coming to know it's now over, and I think back, how ironic it seems. Things will never be the same with us anymore. No matter how good we both might be to each other, even friends or just normal acquaintance, we will just be true strangers to each other from now on. How can one fixed a broken cup without noticing its chipped offs???? Never ever will I look at him and laugh with him as the same few years back....everything has changed for the better of the both of us and I'm actually glad bout it. At least I realized that I've wasted enough time waiting for him and now I should move on (which I am now) and hopefully one fine day I might bump into some one better or the One that's meant for me!
Then, there's this another chapter that mentioned about Rosie losing her dad...then her mum eventually (both died of old age). I actually reflected it upon my parents who are not really YOUNG now (they are near sixties now). I read on how one day her mum suddenly found out that her husband has moved on without waiting for her and how she and her family grieved about it. Picturing in my head, I can imagine it happening on me. What if one fine day, when I'm not ready at all, my dad leaves me and my family! Who's going to earn money and feed the family? My dad isn't young and who knows God wants to take him back one day without giving us prior notice??? I'm not keen to work right now, not when I'm half way towards becoming an accountant pro which I have to 'sprinkle' their money to get it till the final stage! Imagine that I'm jobless, with my not-very-young mother who's earning from hand to mouth, with 2 siblings to take care of. Am I ready for that??? What about the grieving and mourning that I have to go through??????
Another part of the story was when Rosie's mum died....why has God allowed DEATH????? Again, love is involved and when our loved ones are gone, tears are shed, hearts are shattered and dreams/ hopes are destroyed. My mum doesn't have a very strong body. She's constantly down with all kinds of minor sickness and my granny (even though how harsh she may seem) is true, she's a poor lady working her ass out in a secretarial firm just to earn enough money for me and my siblings to spend....and here we are, a bunch of ungrateful children! Sometimes, I do blame them for getting married so late! If they were to get married like a few years earlier, then by the time they are retired, at least I still left a year more towards becoming a pro and I might be able to earn enough money to cover the family's expenses! Imagine that one day, my mum actually passed away....damn, that will be the saddest moment of my life! Believe it or not, I love my mum from the bottom of my heart! Despite of being the black sheep of the family, I still love her! When my granny went for operation and was having a very irritating time, I actually humbled myself to help out in the chores! (Look, I HATE CHORES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I used to tell myself that I'd rather die than to drive myself crazy with chores, which eventually I did it with much tantrums but at least I did it out of willingness and Love) My mum has always been the happy go lucky person that loves my family. Though I don't agree to some of her ways in teaching us, but I have to admit that she's one kind of a person! Sighs~ will they be able to wait for me to become a pro, and then wait for a few more years to earn enough DIGITS to give them a better life???? Like it or not, I'm the eldest in my family and I've always felt the burden to take care of my family ever since I am in Secondary School. Mum and dad, can you both wait for me???? Don't go too soon can or not???? God, if you have a internet access up there, can you see the worry that's in my mind right now????? And also the pain and sadness that's in my heart every time I noticed that my parents are getting older day by day and my time to be with them are limited by years?????? Please, I'm tearing while writing this part.....please don't take them away from me when I'm not ready to support my family.......
There and then is my granny....she's really irritating from my opinion maybe because from young I was constantly reminded of her unreasonableness and crude comments. As these things accumulates, now at my age, I have this auto trained reflective system that activates whenever she starts to say things which irritates me or the people I cared! And of course, we've been through ENDLESS rows! The most recently one just ended a few hours ago... She's already 83, you may say that I'm being such a 'Si-Tanggang' (which I admit) but that's because I'm really sick of her comments! Being old makes her thinks that she's beyond us all!!!! Yes yes....so she is and yes, she has the right....but using these 'privileges' against me are really getting on my nerves! The usual chain is always, she comments on how 'poor' my mum performs lately due to her age (she always saying how well she would have done at HER AGE ONCE) then I will tell her off saying 'don't say my mum like that can or not! It hurts even though she doesn't say it out!'. Then she will go through all of these 'HOW OLD ARE YOU TO TALK TO AN OLD WOMAN LIKE ME!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL GRANDCHILD!!!! I'M GONNA DIE SOON!!!! I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I THINK MY TIME IS NEAR AND WHEN I DIE, I WON'T BE HERE TO NAG/ SCOLD YOU ALL!!!!! BLA BLA BLA.....' Seriously, now I can even recite/ predict her next line whenver we start a row. At night, she will be sleepless all thanks to me and she will begin her 'show' to 'SHOW' me that she's going to sleep outside and suddenly waking and staring at me with one kind of a look. Do you know that when I was young (donno how old), she actually woke me up the night after the row and tell me 'Mary, I'm going to kill myself and I just want to tell you that I'll forgive you even though you disrespected me!' Then I went to wake my parents up she will begin her whole 'show' by trying to kill herself with a scissors, screaming and shouting saying 'Let me die! I'm tired of this family'!!! Imagine that, at such a young age I was exposed to such things, do you think I won't have this 'auto-trained reflective system' when I reach the age of 23???? My siblings say that I am cold-hearted and double faced. I agree with them, but have they ever seen such things in the middle of the night at such an age????? Ok, so maybe I was rebellious since young and I couldn't shut my mouth tight whenever I see things getting out of hand and I thought that maybe with my 'wise' work I might solve them, but things get backfired.... Until now, I'm the only one who's dared enough to answer her and won't even feel a thing after a row with her and also witnessing one of her 'shows'. A few night ago, I was so lost after another row with her. I sat in front of my altar at this hour, staring at the picture of Jesus and once again bridged my connection with Him.
I told Him,
"Jesus, I'm in another row with my granny AGAIN! I guess You are tired hearing about it already rite? Sighs~ why do I always lose my temper and blow things up and hurt everyone else??? When all I wanted to do was to tell her to stop hurting my mum's feelings! Then I changed the candles without telling her and when I did, she scolded the hell out of me and I was furious!!!! Then my brother sarcastically said that I was being the 'black one' that shed tears for outsiders instead of ours (hello, if one of your friend died in an accident would you not even feel a thing????). God, I was just trying to protect my mum! She's fragile enough to be hurt and now you want her (granny) to repeat her problems in front of me (and her) when she's about the get some sleep????? God, what would you have done at such situation????? Tell me!!!! Tell me!!!!! Often I followed my heart (+ some emotions) and this is how it end!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know why have I turned into such a person! All the things that happened way back then. It didn't took me a night to have this negative feeling towards her and there IS some reasons behind this 'reflective system' and You know some part of it wasn't my fault!!!!! TELL ME HOW AND WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LOST OK!!!!!!!!! LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED TO SHOW LOVE BUT THIS IS ALWAYS WHAT I GET!!!!!!!!!!! SO TELL ME HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (At this point, I was crying...for the 1st time because of this...in front my my altar with a bible on my lap)
God replied (through a bible daily reading passage which I found from SHALOM),
" NEW WINE, NEW SKIN" and 'OBEDIENCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE'!
I was astonished...these words appearing from the bible was like words that He would say if He was actually in front of me! Ok, so He was there...really truly listening to my cries. But, I really didn't grasp the REAL meaning that He wants me to know. I couldn't really absorb at that moment. All I know was 'New'...ok something NEW!! So this time I have to use a NEW approach with a whole NEW attitude????? Then this 'obedience', which part is He referring to?????
It has been days now that I am pondering upon these words and I hope that I will understand it slowly and practically....
My granny has fallen sick now, she's old....despite of all of these, I know that deep in my heart I still cared and loved her. It's just that I am too chicken to show it to her because I am afraid of my heart being scarred again and maybe I scarred hers which eventually scarred mine. Hurting some one you love really reaps your soul out of you. I've been praying really hard to God these few days to ask for guidance. And guess what, I think that this is a new CHALLENGE for me. To be reconcile with my granny has always been the GREATEST CHALLENGE I've ever faced in my life (next comes the relationship mess I mentioned earlier on) and I always ran away from it. I am guessing (just guessing) that God wants me to really FACE IT this time. Stop running away from it and really face it, solve it once and for all! He knows that this is what I've always wanted but in the past I have never asked Him for help and this time after all the shouting of HELP for Him, I think He knows that I'm really desperate. So, the thing now is...as for enough Courage from Him and Guidance to help me with this path of healing and reconciling. This time I have to face it from a whole NEW angle with a whole NEW attitude (I'm planning to ask Jesus to be with me all the way), and sure enough to stay Obedient with His instructions (When I was in my healing process for my broken heart, I followed His instructions and was miraculously healed in many ways!). So far things has just started....I hope I won't blow things up again....this time I am constantly logging into the private chat-room between 'Me and God' every night, not forgetting my bible! Every night, I will stare at my altar, picturing myself talking to Him and update Him about my daily doings and feelings, sometimes I asked Him for help and funny enough, the daily readings somehow replied for Him!
I guess when you really let God handle the things in your life and you willingly surrender everything to Him, he will really take good care of it! Or more like what my friend will say 'Don't worry! I will SETTLE FOR YOU one!!!!! XD
Here, I stop writing (typing) as my caffeine is starting to worn off. I'm glad to actually blog and please don't think that I'm staying with a psychopathic family because I believe that 家家有本难念的经...
Anyway, as I was still high on caffeine, I read this book I just bought written by Cecilia Ahern called 'Where Rainbows End'. It was a terrific book I should say! Though it took me quite a long time finish reading it but its ending was sweet and nice.
As I was reading this book, I tuned into MyFm and HitzFm to fill up the dreading silence in the house. You know, at wee hours, these radio stations like to play very sentimental songs that can drive all our emotions up the wall. Suddenly, I was very emo...really emo in fact!
This book I was reading was talking bout this 2 childhood friends who were initially meant to be together but had to go through SO MANY obstacles to be together only when they both reached their fifties!!! Well, my heart was like going through a roller-coaster ride while reading this book. This moment it seemed that they both were finally going back together, 1 of them got married, then when 1 of them got divorced the other got married, then when they want to get together, their loved ones passed away, then here's this job losing issue that sets them apart again, then this again....and there again.....phew~ this book makes me realized that life is TOUGH!!!! You are never going to get it easy.
True enough, with the accompaniment of this 'emo music' behind me, I really put myself fully into the characters and feel how they felt at that moment. There was this part when Rosie Dunne (the main character) has thought that everything went well with her childhood friend Alex (another main character), fate somehow meddled in. Which takes me back to some of my love miseries where I had to endure for a few months last year. Why God ever invented LOVE at the first place???? Love HURTS! Who would even bother to fall in love when the ending is so HURTFUL??? It took me back to those months where I woke up with a shadow over my head and clouds raining down sometimes. Every morning, I dreaded to wake up from my bed fearing that I'm gonna drag through another day of horror and misery. Throughout the day, I will think how stupid I was to wait for that guy which was NEVER ever mine and my poor friends had to listened to my stories again and again and giving me the same advises again and again! How I must bored them in the past! Then, with all of these accumulated anger and sadness, I threw it out to those innocent people which doesn't deserved it (including the guy which is now living happily ever after with his gf)! Sighs~ I must have been such a bore back then. Slowly, after endless tears and long hours staying/ staring inside the St. Peters' Chapel (I was working, so I spent MOST of my lunch break in the chapel meditating upon my mess), I've finally come to the sense that one has to surrender to fate/ God's plans. Often I've questioned God 'why on earth did You let this happen when You know this will NEVER lead to something!'. Then, sometimes I will hear this voice or suddenly when I flipped open my bible something will popped out saying 'My ways are not your ways'...Yea, I've never knew His ways. But one thing is for sure, now I feel better without waking up everyday with a shadow clouding over my head and spend my whole day mourning for my mistakes. Life to me everyday is like a battle for me. A battle of life! Whether to live it fully or miserably. Just now this song popped out from MyFm '你那么爱他，为什么不把他留下？为什么不说心里话，你深爱他，这是每个人都知道啊~！！' Oh my, when I heard of that song all kinds of emotions poured into my mind! My friend used to sing this song to clear up my thoughts...yea...this song was the song of my misery. Coming to know it's now over, and I think back, how ironic it seems. Things will never be the same with us anymore. No matter how good we both might be to each other, even friends or just normal acquaintance, we will just be true strangers to each other from now on. How can one fixed a broken cup without noticing its chipped offs???? Never ever will I look at him and laugh with him as the same few years back....everything has changed for the better of the both of us and I'm actually glad bout it. At least I realized that I've wasted enough time waiting for him and now I should move on (which I am now) and hopefully one fine day I might bump into some one better or the One that's meant for me!
Then, there's this another chapter that mentioned about Rosie losing her dad...then her mum eventually (both died of old age). I actually reflected it upon my parents who are not really YOUNG now (they are near sixties now). I read on how one day her mum suddenly found out that her husband has moved on without waiting for her and how she and her family grieved about it. Picturing in my head, I can imagine it happening on me. What if one fine day, when I'm not ready at all, my dad leaves me and my family! Who's going to earn money and feed the family? My dad isn't young and who knows God wants to take him back one day without giving us prior notice??? I'm not keen to work right now, not when I'm half way towards becoming an accountant pro which I have to 'sprinkle' their money to get it till the final stage! Imagine that I'm jobless, with my not-very-young mother who's earning from hand to mouth, with 2 siblings to take care of. Am I ready for that??? What about the grieving and mourning that I have to go through??????
Another part of the story was when Rosie's mum died....why has God allowed DEATH????? Again, love is involved and when our loved ones are gone, tears are shed, hearts are shattered and dreams/ hopes are destroyed. My mum doesn't have a very strong body. She's constantly down with all kinds of minor sickness and my granny (even though how harsh she may seem) is true, she's a poor lady working her ass out in a secretarial firm just to earn enough money for me and my siblings to spend....and here we are, a bunch of ungrateful children! Sometimes, I do blame them for getting married so late! If they were to get married like a few years earlier, then by the time they are retired, at least I still left a year more towards becoming a pro and I might be able to earn enough money to cover the family's expenses! Imagine that one day, my mum actually passed away....damn, that will be the saddest moment of my life! Believe it or not, I love my mum from the bottom of my heart! Despite of being the black sheep of the family, I still love her! When my granny went for operation and was having a very irritating time, I actually humbled myself to help out in the chores! (Look, I HATE CHORES FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I used to tell myself that I'd rather die than to drive myself crazy with chores, which eventually I did it with much tantrums but at least I did it out of willingness and Love) My mum has always been the happy go lucky person that loves my family. Though I don't agree to some of her ways in teaching us, but I have to admit that she's one kind of a person! Sighs~ will they be able to wait for me to become a pro, and then wait for a few more years to earn enough DIGITS to give them a better life???? Like it or not, I'm the eldest in my family and I've always felt the burden to take care of my family ever since I am in Secondary School. Mum and dad, can you both wait for me???? Don't go too soon can or not???? God, if you have a internet access up there, can you see the worry that's in my mind right now????? And also the pain and sadness that's in my heart every time I noticed that my parents are getting older day by day and my time to be with them are limited by years?????? Please, I'm tearing while writing this part.....please don't take them away from me when I'm not ready to support my family.......
There and then is my granny....she's really irritating from my opinion maybe because from young I was constantly reminded of her unreasonableness and crude comments. As these things accumulates, now at my age, I have this auto trained reflective system that activates whenever she starts to say things which irritates me or the people I cared! And of course, we've been through ENDLESS rows! The most recently one just ended a few hours ago... She's already 83, you may say that I'm being such a 'Si-Tanggang' (which I admit) but that's because I'm really sick of her comments! Being old makes her thinks that she's beyond us all!!!! Yes yes....so she is and yes, she has the right....but using these 'privileges' against me are really getting on my nerves! The usual chain is always, she comments on how 'poor' my mum performs lately due to her age (she always saying how well she would have done at HER AGE ONCE) then I will tell her off saying 'don't say my mum like that can or not! It hurts even though she doesn't say it out!'. Then she will go through all of these 'HOW OLD ARE YOU TO TALK TO AN OLD WOMAN LIKE ME!!!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL GRANDCHILD!!!! I'M GONNA DIE SOON!!!! I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT BUT I THINK MY TIME IS NEAR AND WHEN I DIE, I WON'T BE HERE TO NAG/ SCOLD YOU ALL!!!!! BLA BLA BLA.....' Seriously, now I can even recite/ predict her next line whenver we start a row. At night, she will be sleepless all thanks to me and she will begin her 'show' to 'SHOW' me that she's going to sleep outside and suddenly waking and staring at me with one kind of a look. Do you know that when I was young (donno how old), she actually woke me up the night after the row and tell me 'Mary, I'm going to kill myself and I just want to tell you that I'll forgive you even though you disrespected me!' Then I went to wake my parents up she will begin her whole 'show' by trying to kill herself with a scissors, screaming and shouting saying 'Let me die! I'm tired of this family'!!! Imagine that, at such a young age I was exposed to such things, do you think I won't have this 'auto-trained reflective system' when I reach the age of 23???? My siblings say that I am cold-hearted and double faced. I agree with them, but have they ever seen such things in the middle of the night at such an age????? Ok, so maybe I was rebellious since young and I couldn't shut my mouth tight whenever I see things getting out of hand and I thought that maybe with my 'wise' work I might solve them, but things get backfired.... Until now, I'm the only one who's dared enough to answer her and won't even feel a thing after a row with her and also witnessing one of her 'shows'. A few night ago, I was so lost after another row with her. I sat in front of my altar at this hour, staring at the picture of Jesus and once again bridged my connection with Him.
I told Him,
"Jesus, I'm in another row with my granny AGAIN! I guess You are tired hearing about it already rite? Sighs~ why do I always lose my temper and blow things up and hurt everyone else??? When all I wanted to do was to tell her to stop hurting my mum's feelings! Then I changed the candles without telling her and when I did, she scolded the hell out of me and I was furious!!!! Then my brother sarcastically said that I was being the 'black one' that shed tears for outsiders instead of ours (hello, if one of your friend died in an accident would you not even feel a thing????). God, I was just trying to protect my mum! She's fragile enough to be hurt and now you want her (granny) to repeat her problems in front of me (and her) when she's about the get some sleep????? God, what would you have done at such situation????? Tell me!!!! Tell me!!!!! Often I followed my heart (+ some emotions) and this is how it end!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know why have I turned into such a person! All the things that happened way back then. It didn't took me a night to have this negative feeling towards her and there IS some reasons behind this 'reflective system' and You know some part of it wasn't my fault!!!!! TELL ME HOW AND WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M LOST OK!!!!!!!!! LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANTED TO SHOW LOVE BUT THIS IS ALWAYS WHAT I GET!!!!!!!!!!! SO TELL ME HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! (At this point, I was crying...for the 1st time because of this...in front my my altar with a bible on my lap)
God replied (through a bible daily reading passage which I found from SHALOM),
" NEW WINE, NEW SKIN" and 'OBEDIENCE IS BETTER THAN SACRIFICE'!
I was astonished...these words appearing from the bible was like words that He would say if He was actually in front of me! Ok, so He was there...really truly listening to my cries. But, I really didn't grasp the REAL meaning that He wants me to know. I couldn't really absorb at that moment. All I know was 'New'...ok something NEW!! So this time I have to use a NEW approach with a whole NEW attitude????? Then this 'obedience', which part is He referring to?????
It has been days now that I am pondering upon these words and I hope that I will understand it slowly and practically....
My granny has fallen sick now, she's old....despite of all of these, I know that deep in my heart I still cared and loved her. It's just that I am too chicken to show it to her because I am afraid of my heart being scarred again and maybe I scarred hers which eventually scarred mine. Hurting some one you love really reaps your soul out of you. I've been praying really hard to God these few days to ask for guidance. And guess what, I think that this is a new CHALLENGE for me. To be reconcile with my granny has always been the GREATEST CHALLENGE I've ever faced in my life (next comes the relationship mess I mentioned earlier on) and I always ran away from it. I am guessing (just guessing) that God wants me to really FACE IT this time. Stop running away from it and really face it, solve it once and for all! He knows that this is what I've always wanted but in the past I have never asked Him for help and this time after all the shouting of HELP for Him, I think He knows that I'm really desperate. So, the thing now is...as for enough Courage from Him and Guidance to help me with this path of healing and reconciling. This time I have to face it from a whole NEW angle with a whole NEW attitude (I'm planning to ask Jesus to be with me all the way), and sure enough to stay Obedient with His instructions (When I was in my healing process for my broken heart, I followed His instructions and was miraculously healed in many ways!). So far things has just started....I hope I won't blow things up again....this time I am constantly logging into the private chat-room between 'Me and God' every night, not forgetting my bible! Every night, I will stare at my altar, picturing myself talking to Him and update Him about my daily doings and feelings, sometimes I asked Him for help and funny enough, the daily readings somehow replied for Him!
I guess when you really let God handle the things in your life and you willingly surrender everything to Him, he will really take good care of it! Or more like what my friend will say 'Don't worry! I will SETTLE FOR YOU one!!!!! XD
Here, I stop writing (typing) as my caffeine is starting to worn off. I'm glad to actually blog and please don't think that I'm staying with a psychopathic family because I believe that 家家有本难念的经...
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