Sighs...after so many months since I've felt peace within myself. Now I'm being thrown with another trial to face. It's always got to do with my personality and faith! I'm torn between what I want and what God really wants me to have/do!!!
OK, here's the case. Normally, what I want, isn't what God wants! So whenever I think that I am doing the right thing (according to my own interpretation), it will end up tragically... Few months back when I was in my internship, I fully experienced God's grace in me. Maybe at that time of hardships, only I fully realize how awesome God is and I really fully trusted Him! So, my 6 months flew by with many bitter sweet moments!
Now, being back to my Uni life, I'm being shut back to my comfort zone. I no longer see God as how I used to see Him last time. Last time, every lunch break I will spring to the chapel to spend some quality time with God, chat with Him (more like I poured out my sorrows and He replied in His way...) and find time to evaluate on my daily life, my personality and how am I treating the people around me. As for now, I'm very lazy. I wake up just to have enough time to get ready for classes, say a very brief prayer in my car/ while driving to school. Lunch break to the chapel seemed like a million years ago story. Nowadays, I hardly even do my daily bible reflections! All my prayers are just bits of pieces being compile up together, mostly just being mumbled through because I will be yawning my way and my mind is blur... Deep in my heart, I know I'm wrong and somethings will soon to pop out to alert me, just that I didn't know it will happen so fast!
Reality strikes! I am now facing back all the negative attitudes I used to have before I took a month break from my committee! You can never imagine how terrible my attitude was before that, and I thought I've get rid of that part of mine already! Unfortunately, it doesn't fade away so easily. It must be kept away with strong prayers, reflections and tonnes of MSN with God!
Today I had the worst meeting I had with my fellow committees. I'm saying this in terms of my own personality... I was seriously struggling not to shout out at others and to force them to take in all of my opinions! At some point I even wanted to leave! It's the evil side of me trying to be set free! The only thing I was holding on was keep on trying to keep out of the things they were discussing. My mind was having this inter-conflict war inside of me! Then, when I heard that some of my friends get to join in some stuffs which I wasn't being asked, I was actually hurt/ jealous/ furious! These kind of feelings weren't supposed to come out from my mind and yet it did! I was panicked when I actually acknowledge how I felt just now! These feelings didn't only started in the meeting but it started since a few weeks back! I was constantly fighting the urge to snap at people who simply didn't know how to express their opinions and I always had this thinking that maybe I'm just an invincible person who doesn't deserve people's attention! My existence is nothing!
Seriously...there are more to say but these warnings are just the start....I don't know how long will it take to fight back....I felt like the character in 'Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde'!!!! I'm so afraid that I maybe going nuts!!!! I have to find back my inner peace. If not, I don't think I can even survive the sightliest challenge that occurs in my life.
Now, I felt ashamed to go back to God because of my doubts towards Him (it only happened recently, because I had this new theory about life-after-death, which I thought of out of the blue!). I felt like I don't deserve to be loved by Him anymore....I felt really useless, hopeless and I am really nothing! The point is, I really don't have the guts to face Him....Do you think He will actually forgive me and allowing me back? I am really a sucker....
